Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Anniversary 2014

It's that time of year.  That MS Anniversary time of year.  I have been quiet for many reasons these last few months. I post when something strikes me, but I'm not forcing it.  For tonight, as it's late and there will be no sleep until my muscle spasms subside, I thought I would just do a little re-posting. It's not all doom and gloom. But if you want Pollyanna you are looking in the wrong place as well. In two days I will have had MS for 11 years and I feel rather tired of it.

In February 2013 I shared my general feelings about anniversary occasions and some gratitude for my mother which you can read by clicking on this link to Anniversaries. I also think I made a fine argument on behalf of my fellow realists with pessimistic tendencies.  

In early March 2013 I shared some of the following insights;

"JustOnlyJudy is feeling thankful. And melancholy. Touched by breezes of cancer...friends of friends. Family of co-workers. Clients and strangers. So why thankful? Because I choose it over fearful. And I could go either way when these winds start to blow. 
I choose to listen to the whispers from the tops of the Douglas firs as the wind blows through them. Mostly quiet, secretive whispers. I choose to listen to the splat of the raindrops and the silence of a tear drop. I choose to be thankful for what I have today. For being alive at the age of 43.  I might read my 50 by 50 list with an increased sense of urgency. I might wonder what I would choose if my list could not be so long.
I might apologize faster, try to be more patient, try not to sweat the small stuff. 

Melancholy. Oh it dances in quietly...

There's the anniversary. Next week. Ten years since my diagnosis. Thankful for what I have done, for where I am, for my support. My sons who have learned to help when I struggle, to stay calm when I 'lose my &*$#'! To quietly retreat until their real mother returns from her foray into rambling distress..fueled by my perception of chaos. But the chaos is mostly internal, despite my lengthy description of the state of our electronics and the kitchen. They have learned to know that. And I wish they had never had to learn to know that."

Now it's March 2014. Breezes of cancer seem consistent. Add the terrible mudslide this week so close to home, an entire missing aircraft...and my porous psyche. It takes a conscious effort to focus on my gratitude. I am thankful for the opportunity that I had last year, to escape to the sunshine of Arizona for my MS anniversary. While it is not in the budget this year, I at least have this photo to remind me of the sheer joy and happiness I felt in letting go, soaking up the sun and quiet, the family and friends. I can go to my new 'mental' Happy Place :)